Hitchikers of the Universe
by Red-Soviet
Summary: The Earth gets destroyed and the saiyans and Bulma go to destroy King Cold and his son's Empire. Also Vegeta and Goku get drunk in the bar (I haven't gotten to that part yet) R&R Rated R for a lot of cursing. Will go up when I write the Lemon.
1. Destruction

This is my first fic so bare with me it shouldn't be too bad.  
  
BUUUUUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!  
  
"AAhh" yelled Goku as he fell out of his bed.  
  
"Damn Doorbell! I hope I didn't wake up Chi Chi" he whispered eyeing the frying pan on the dresser nervously.  
  
"Hi Goku!" Bulma greeted as he opened the door.  
  
"Hi Bulma."  
  
"Why so down Goku?"  
  
"The government is going to tear down my house to put up a highway."  
  
"That sucks." She said cheerfully right as a beep sound came from her pocket.  
  
"Oh shit!" she said as she pulled a device from her pocket and looked at it.  
  
"What?" Goku asked still depressed.  
  
"Something's heading for Earth!"  
  
Just then there was a loud hissing sound from the front yard. Bulma and Goku ran outside, and there sat a spacecraft that looked like a battlecruiser straight out of Starcraft. (A/N: If you haven't played Starcraft for the PC then you should go get it right NOW!!!)  
  
It was still hissing steam as a door opened. Bulma and Goku just looked at it in stupidity as a short man with white armor, shoulder pads, blue tights, and gravity defying hair walked out. He also had a thing on his ear with a piece of red glass covering his eye.  
  
"Hmm, so this is Earth? Pathetic." The short man said. Goku immediately got into his fighting stance.  
  
"Kakarot?!" Gasped the short man. He ran up to Goku and said."Yes, you are Kakarot you look exactly like Bardock. Hurry and get in the ship there's no time!!!" he said desperately.  
  
"HEY! Wait a minute!" Bulma shouted," We don't even know who the hell you are let alone where you're from!" she said with annoyance tinting her voice.  
  
"Damn it woman get in the friggin ship NOW!!!" the short man yelled, "Kakarot! As we speak a great evil approaches this planet!! Hurry the hell up Damn it!" and with that he ran back into the ship.  
  
"Well, I wanna know what the hell's goin on so let's go 'Kakarot'!" Bulma giggled as she ran off to the ship.  
  
"B.But what about Chi Chi and Gohan?" Goku squealed.  
  
"They'll be fine! C'mon!"  
  
"Fine." Goku said defeated.  
  
Inside, the walls and ceiling were yellow and the floor was very pale yellow. They could just see the short man run around the corner, so they followed. The room they stopped in was obviously the bridge. It had computers and keyboards everywhere. The room was all white save for the blue shag carpet. The short guy had sat in a white chair and was furiously pressing buttons, but seemed he couldn't get it to do what he wanted it to do.  
  
"RADITZ!!!! Get your ass in here NOW!!!" screamed the short guy with his face bright red. At that command a door opened and out came a kind of tall guy with REALLY, Really long hair. He had the same type of armor the other alien was wearing except it was black. Instead of a red eye thingy he had green eye thingy.  
  
"Get this damn thing working!" yelled the short guy.  
  
"Yes, my prince." Replied the other man.  
  
"You 2!!!"yelled the short man, " I guess I should introduce myself. My name is Vegeta, Prince of all saiyans! That man is Raditz, your brother Kakarot."he smirked.  
  
"WHAT! No way!" Goku and Bulma shouted in unison. Suddenly the ship started to rise.  
  
"What the hell are you people doing?!?!" yelled Bulma.  
  
"Ah Kakarot, I don't think you introduced me to your friend?" said Vegeta while quickly looking at her boobs.  
  
"My name is Bulma, and I want to know what the hell is going on!!"  
  
"You'll find out soon enough woman." He replied calmly.  
  
"Hey! My name's B-U-L-M-A!" she whined.  
  
"NAPPA!!!" yelled Vegeta, while Bulma and Goku covered their ears. It was obvious the little guy had some big lungs.  
  
This time a HUGE bald guy walked into the room. He too had black armor but unlike the others, he had a moustache and a blue eye thingy. "Yes prince?" he said in a burly voice.  
  
"Nappa, tell our guests why we have brought them aboard, I must go.. Attend to things" Vegeta was frowning and sweating a little. He took one quick glance at Bulma and quickly walked away.  
  
'What was that all about?' thought Bulma.  
  
"This way." Nappa's voice interrupted her thoughts.  
  
He led them to a small white room with a white table and 4 white chairs. "Sit." Nappa instructed.  
  
Bulma sat down with a "hmph" while Goku's stomach was growling. "Um, excuse me Mr. Nappa..do you have any food? I'm starving!"  
  
Nappa replied, "You really are a saiyan. We'll eat after I brief you 2."  
  
"OK" Goku said half-sadly.  
  
"Now Kakarot," Nappa said as he began his narration, "You are a saiyan from the planet Vegeta-sei. Raditz, Vegeta, and myself are also saiyans, that's where you get your appetite from. A long time ago, Vegeta-sei was blown up by an alien overlord named Frieza. Fortunately me, Raditz, Vegeta, you, and Turles were away when it happened."  
  
"Wait a minute!" Bulma interjected, "Who's Turles?"  
  
Nappa's power grew at the mention of the name. "Another saiyan that.Grr..was tortured slowly by Frieza until he finally killed him by ripping off his limbs one limb every day. And then his nose, ears and teeth were pulled then he finally bled to death."  
  
"Wow. This Frieza sounds like a real bastard." Said Bulma.  
  
"He was also your cousin Kakarot."  
  
"What? This Frieza guy needs to be taught a lesson." Growled Goku.  
  
"Why didn't you guys just kill him or something?" Bulma inquired.  
  
"We can't. He's just to fuckin strong!" snarled Nappa."He blew up Vegeta- sei with a finger. Anyway," he said regaining his composure,"As you've probably found out by now Kakarot, Raditz is you're brother. After we found out Frieza blew up Vegeta-sei, we hijacked this ship and we set out to find you, we need every single scrap we can get to kill that transvestite."  
  
"Uh, what's a transvestite?" Goku asked innocently.  
  
Nappa and Bulma fell down backwards anime style. Bulma got up and whispered to Goku what a transvestite was . "Ooohh! So that's what Yamcha was."  
  
Bulma was laughing VERY hard until she saw Nappa was ready to continue. "So we came here to Earth and here we are." Nappa finished, but just then Raditz barged in and shouted panicked, "Frieza's here!!!!!!!"  
  
"WHAT!!!" Nappa shouted.  
  
In the bridge they could see Frieza's ship and then a small hoverchair thingy came out the top. In it was a small white, purple, and pink alien thing was in it. It was apparently Frieza. Then Frieza raised his index finger and formed a ball of black and pink Ki. It grew to about the size of Frieza's ship then he threw it at Earth.  
  
"NOOOOO!!!" screamed Goku.  
  
They could only watch as the black and pink ball collided with Earth. The planet flahed a few times before shrinking a bit then grew before finally exploding in a huge flash. They heard Frieza laughing maniacally and said, "That takes care of those scumbag apes!" before returning to his ship. Then Frieza's ship sped off. Goku and Bulma just stood there with their jaws dropped. All that was left was a few glowing dust particles.  
  
  
  
  
  
Sjf;j 


	2. Adaptation

It had been 2 days since the Earth had been annihilated, and Goku and Bulma were still in shock. They both had separate rooms so Bulma was taking a bath, thinking about everyone tha she used to know. Tears were starting to form in her eyes and finally she just started crying her heart out. She missed everyone, even Yamcha and Master Roshi. She couldn't help but think of all the times Yamcha had been cheating on her.  
  
Meanwhile.. Goku was thinking about everything: his family, Bulma, his heritage, his fellow saiyans, and especially how to kill Frieza. He was full of rage and luckily he was in the training room sparring with his brother. Raditz was still stronger, but Goku was catching up.  
  
"You fight well my brother!"Raditz said while blocking punches.  
  
Your not bad yourself!" Goku said also blocking punches but missing one of Raditz's kicks which sent him to the ground.  
  
"Listen Kakarot, we need to talk." Raditz said  
  
"I know you are angry about Earth but you must concentrate so you can avenge your family." Raditz said in an unusually wise tone.  
  
"I know you're right Raditz but." Goku suddenly yelled in anger and punched a hole in the wall.  
  
"Calm down brother! We must train to avenge our father!" Raditz said  
  
"Hey? What was he like?" Goku asked almost like a child.  
  
"He was a brave warrior Kakarot. He was very proud of us. He even stood up to Frieza right before he destroyed Vegeta-sei. He was caught in the blast." Raditz finished. His eyes moved to look at the floor as he remembered Bardock.  
  
"Don't worry, we'll kill Frieza together.brother." Goku smiled putting his hand on his brother's shoulder.  
  
Raditz smirked and said, "Yes, we will" and with that that they continued fighting.  
  
Meanwhile in a certain prince's room."Damn woman! I can hear her crying I can't even get any sleep that damn woman! I'm gonna go shut her up!" said an enraged Vegeta as he stormed to Bulma's room.  
  
He cracked the door open a little bit and could see she was in the bathtub which made her butt naked. She was still crying very loudly which was getting on Vegeta's nerves, but all he could do was run his eyes over her body.  
  
'Look at her hair I've never seen. Damn it Vegeta get a grip!' he thought. At this thought, he slammed open the door and yelled, "Woman! Would you stop..."  
  
"AAAAHHHH!!!!! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!?!?!" Bulma screamed while covering up her exposed breasts.  
  
"I'm trying to tell you to.." Again he was interrupted as Bulma yelled,  
  
"Let me get some clothes on you pervert!!" she said slamming the door in his face.  
  
Vegeta's sensitive ears were aching from Bulma's screaming. 'Damn it, I'll just wait, I don't want her bitching at me.' He thought angrily.  
  
10 minutes later, Vegeta was getting impatient. Just as he was reaching for the door, it opened with Bulma wearing black jeans and a tight red shirt.  
  
"Come in, prince pain-in-the-ass." She said sarcastically.  
  
"Why the hell do you keep crying onna?!" Vegeta yelled.  
  
"Well maybe because my home planet was destroyed?" Bulma said matter of factly. She was crying again and unexpectedly flew into his arms.  
  
Vegeta was shocked and speechless needless to say. He had no idea what to do so he just hugged back. They stayed like that for a while before Bulma cried herself out.  
  
"Vegeta?"  
  
"What!"  
  
"What did you you do when your planet was destroyed?"  
  
"I almost did what you just did." He said before leaving. Of course she got a nice view of his ass since he wore tights.  
  
'Damn hes got a nice ass,' she thought, 'Don't think that Bulma he's just a short, arrogant, handsome. NO!' "Oh shit. I'm in love." Bulma realized.  
  
"Ugh.I'm going to sleep." She said turning out the light.  
  
As Vegeta walked back to his room he thought about what just happened, 'Grrr.She must be a witch, she put a spell on me.'  
  
Deep down he knew he was just denying his first love. 


	3. Frieza's Rage

**FLASHBACK**  
  
As Frieza descended back down into his ship, he was still thinking he had killed the saiyans.  
  
"HAHAHAHAHA! Oh my, what a pathetic planet that was! No wonder those monkeys fled there!"  
  
"Sir! We have an unidentified ship 1000 kilometers from our current position!"  
  
"It's probably just an Earth ship back from vacation, too bad for them. Let's get outta here!"  
  
"Yes, Lord Frieza." **END FLASHBACK**  
  
"DAMN FUCKIN MONKEYS, I'M GOING TO KILL YOU FOR THIS!!!!!!" Frieza screamed.  
  
He was so mad he was already in his final form at 100%.  
  
"Damn, Damn, Shit! How could I have been so stupid! I should've known it was there ship! GRAAAAARRGH!" Frieza yelled at the top of his lungs.  
  
He was flying after their ship in space since he destroyed in his own ship in pure rage when they received a transmission from an unknown saiyan from aboard the saiyan's ship. He looked exactly like Bardock and that scum Turles. It didn't matter, it would only be a matter of time before he was upon their ship and killed them SLOWLY! 


	4. First Blood

"Damnit Kakarot!" Vegeta screamed at Goku.  
  
"But Vegeta, I thought it was a game! I'm sorry!" Goku apologized.  
  
"Great! Now Frieza knows where we are! Damnit! My scouter sais he's already in his final form which means we're screwed royally! Now what should we do dumbass!"  
  
"Um.Eat?"  
  
"AARRGH!" Vegeta yelled as he stormed back to his room. "Raditz! Take us to the planet..I don't know somewhere! Anywhere!"  
  
"Yes, prince Vegeta." Raditz said while glaring at Goku.  
  
"Thanks Goku, now I have to go calm him down!" Bulma said tiredly.  
  
"Sorry." Goku looked as if he was a kid again and had just gotten scolded.  
  
Vegeta was laying on his satin sheet bed on his stomach thinking of how to outsmart Frieza. Then he heard someone come in.  
  
"Vegeta?" Bulma asked cautiously peeking in.  
  
"What woman!" he said sitting up.  
  
"Listen Vegeta, you just have to get used to Goku's stupidity."  
  
"Heh, I think some of it's rubbed off on you." Vegeta smirked.  
  
"What? All I came in here to do was to calm you down and you act like an ass!"  
  
"..."  
  
"Listen Vegeta," she said sitting on the bed, "I know something's bothering you." Saying it with a concerned look.  
  
"Nothing! Nothing is bothering me wench, leave me alone!"  
  
He reminded her of herself right after "it" happened. Remembering it made her start crying.  
  
'Damn! Not again!' Vegeta thought wearily.  
  
"What's the matter woman?" he asked unusually calm.  
  
" sniff.I'm just thinking of something that happened a long time ago." She said between sobs.  
  
"And that would be?" Vegeta inquired trying to make her stop.  
  
'Should I tell him? Why not? Maybe it will make him love me like I love him. Oh, I can't believe I'm doing this.'  
  
"Well." she said fidgeting with her shirt.  
  
"Out with it woman!" Vegeta said not loud but annoyed.  
  
"OK. I was 16, I was unusually intelligent for my age, so I was walking home from college, and I passed an ally, and this man he grabbed me and threw me into a trashcan. He was strong, he overpowered me and."  
  
"What? What happened woman?"  
  
"He..ra..raped me!" By now she was really crying and went to Vegeta for comfort hugging him. Again, he didn't know what to do so he just did the same thing as before and this time he said,  
  
"Listen woman, the past is the past. It can't hurt you anymore, and as long as you're with me it won't happen again."  
  
"Vegeta?" she said stunned, " Thanks for saying that, it was really sweet."  
  
"Yeah, whatever, but if you ever tell anyone, I'll rip out your throat!" he said not really that threatening.  
  
"I won't tell Vegeta." She said rolling her eyes. !!!!BOOM!!!!  
  
"What the fuck was that?!" Vegeta yelled.  
  
He and Bulma ran to the bridge to see Raditz with a hole between his eyes.  
  
"Fuck! It's Frieza!" Vegeta said as Bulma hid behind him. 


	5. Euphora

By now everyone had come to the bridge right after the ship shook. Upon seeing his brother, Goku wanted to kill Frieza then and there, but Vegeta reminded him he was no match for Frieza, especially in his final form.  
  
"We have to get off this ship!" Vegeta yelled as if nobody else knew it.  
  
!!!BOOM!!!  
  
"To the escape pods!" Bulma exclaimed heroically.  
  
"We don't have escape pods baka woman!" Vegeta yelled.  
  
"Oh yes we do, I put them in" she said with pride.  
  
"Well show us where they are!"  
  
"Fine! Come on!" she said leading the way down the hall. There was another huge rumble and this time the lights went out.  
  
"Godamnit! Nappa make a Ki ball so we can see!" Vegeta ordered.  
  
"Right." He said making a decent sized ball in his palm.  
  
"OK, keep going onna!" Vegeta growled. As they were running down the hall, a HUGE pink ki blast ripped through the wall, and out came Frieza.  
  
"Ahh so here's where you monkeys were hiding! MWAHAHAHA!!! I'll kill you dead!"  
  
Seeing Frieza, the source of all his problems, Goku remembered his family, his friends, Raditz, even Vegeta-sei. Just then Frieza shot his little finger shot at Bulma.  
  
"BULMA!" Vegeta yelled. Goku just stood there like he did when Frieza killed Krillen in the Namek saga.  
  
Seeing Bulma get shot made him go, you guessed it! Super Saiyan!  
  
"Vegeta, get Bulma off the ship! I'll kill this bastard!" Goku said with animosity.  
  
"Ha! You kill me? I laugh at that!" Frieza said  
  
Vegeta grudgingly agreed, picked up Bulma, and ran for the pods with Nappa right behind him. After they were gone Goku and Frieza started fighting furiously. Meanwhile. the pods were hurtling towards the planet below.  
  
"Uh.. where am I?" Nappa said opening his eyes.  
  
He saw a green alien with an oval head. The head had eye stalks with yellow eyes which had long eyelashes signaling it was a female.  
  
"You're on the planet Europha! You were badly injured so we had to hospitalize you." She said in a cheery voice.  
  
"Where's Vegeta? And the woman? And Kakarot?" Nappa said sounding like an idiot.  
  
"Vegeta must be the mean short man with spikey hair, he's sitting by the blue-haired woman's bed. She's very seriously injured."  
  
"Damnit! I wanna see 'em!"  
  
"Right this way then." She said motioning to follow her. She led him to the room right next to his. Bulma was hooked up to a multitude of beeping machines. Vegeta was standing by Bulma's bed with his arms crossed.  
  
"Sire?" Nappa asked against his better judgment.  
  
"Leave me be Nappa." Vegeta said calmly.  
  
"Yes, prince." He said closing the door.  
  
"Damn motherfuckin Frieza! And Kakarot! How could he," saying "he" with very much venom, "become a Super Saiyan?"  
  
Seeing Bulma and thinking about being surpassed by a third-rate clown excuse for a saiyan Vegeta became SSJ.  
  
"I. I did it! Haha, the POWER!" he said laughing maniacally. He remembered Bulma, 'Maybe if I give some of my Ki," he thought. The only question waswhere to put his hands. Of course his gaze settled upon her two breasts, so that's where he put them. (A/N: Hey c'mon, you would've done it too!)  
  
She woke up slowly so she didn't see Vegeta feeling her but she sure felt him.  
  
"AAAAHHH!!!" Bulma screamed, " HELP VEGETA, ANYBODY!!!"  
  
"Calm down wo." Vegeta started to say but stopped himself realizing he could have some fun since Bulma didn't recognize him in SSJ form. Hell, maybe he could even make her unwillingly confess her love for him.  
  
"Wait miss," he said in cheery voice, "I just came to tell you about the small man with the spikey hair, I believe his name was Vegeta?" He was laughing uncontrollably on the inside.  
  
"What! What do you mean his name was Vegeta? What happened!" she was too upset, and to affected by the anesthesia, to even notice that this man was wearing Vegeta's clothes.  
  
Vegeta almost broke out laughing but controlled himself.  
  
"You see miss, he.died when his pod collided with the planet's surface, I'm very sorry." At that moment he could tell it would only be a matter of time before she gave in.  
  
"B.Bu.But NOO!" Bulma cried, " He was so much better that that cheater Yamcha, sure he could be an ass at times but I know he loved me! I even told him about 'that time'."  
  
Vegeta finally broke out laughing raucously.  
  
"HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Oh man! That was good! HAHAHA! I'm even impressed at my deception! HAHAHA!!!" Vegeta continued laughing.  
  
"Wha?" Bulma looked up through her tear soaked eyes.  
  
"Don't you get it woman?"  
  
"Woman? Wait! Vegeta?!?!" she said embarrassed, relieved and pissed off at the same time.  
  
Vegeta turned back to normal finally calming down.  
  
"That was horrible you bastard!" Bulma cried angrily.  
  
As Vegeta was about to say something back, Nappa barged in.  
  
"Sire! Kakarot! He's back!" Nappa shouted.  
  
"What?!!" Bulma and Vegeta yelled in unison.  
  
"Come on!" Bulma commanded.  
  
Outside, there was the ship in a huge wreckage. Goku stumbled out without his shirt, as usual after every major fight, over to Vegeta and said, "I. beat him!" he said before passing out turning his hair back to black.  
  
"Let's get him healed." Said Vegeta as Nappa flung Goku over his shoulder. 


	6. The End of Frieza, and the beginning of ...

**FLASHBACK**  
  
"I'm going to make you pay Frieza! For all the people you have killed! For Raditz, and for my family!!!!" Goku said with as much venom as he could muster.  
  
"Yeah right monkey Ha!" Frieza said unsure of the saiyan's power.  
  
They both exchanged punches and kicks, each successful one with a flash of light. Then Frieza tried his rapid fire finger shots, but Goku simply deflected them and landed a devastating fist to Frieza's gut, then kicked Frieza through the wall. Frieza had crashed into a huge machine which was also the ship's power core.  
  
The good news: Frieza got electrocutedby an electrical wire and is obviously dead (A/N: I don't care how powerful you are! In this fic you die if you get electrocuted by a ship's power core!)  
  
The bad news: the ship was 10 seconds away from crashing onto the planet below. It must have been falling ever since Raditz was killed. I guess when you're dead you can't fly a spaceship! (DUH!)  
  
"Fuck!" Goku said. The ship would crah in just 2 seconds.  
  
**END FLASHBACK**  
  
  
  
Goku woke up in a hospital bed with Bulma and Nappa on either side of him. Vegeta was standing in the corner with his arms crossed as usual.  
  
"Bulma! You're OK! But How?" Goku exclaimed hugging her.  
  
"Well, Vegeta gave me some of his ki." Bulma replied looking at her unmentionables. (That's what my grandma calls boobs in case you're wondering. Okay I'll stop talking now)  
  
"Hey that was pretty nice of you Vegeta!" saying it like he was almost proud of Vegeta.  
  
Vegeta just turned red and looked at the ground.  
  
"Well I'm hungry! Let's get something to eat!" He said feeling back to his old self.  
  
"Yeah Vegeta!" Nappa agreed.  
  
"Fine. I'm a bit hungry as well." Said Vegeta.  
  
After they had exited the hospital they found the ship crashed in the middle of the street, with what looked like blue fire trucks spraying it with water. The city itself looked just like New York city except instead of humans it had the green aliens with oval heads and eye stalks. There were also many other races around. Euphora was somewhat like an intergalactic truck stop.  
  
About a block away they found a bar called "Ecstasy". Their were some purple alien blobby things smoking pot and doing crack outside. Euphora was also the galaxy's most crime influenced planet due to all the aliens that stopped there. All this information came from Vegeta's scouter. It was kind of like a hitchhikers guide to the galaxy. They entered the bar.  
  
  
  
Speaking of Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy, That book was my inspiration for this fic. If you haven't read it, READ IT!!! It's funny and suspenseful. Anyway does anyone smell a Lemon? I do, but I'm not good at writing Lemons so don't flame me if it's bad. If you think it's bad just e- mail me. Criticism would be appreciated. 


End file.
